BUSINESS AS USUAL

the crap i put up with. the shit from my alleged family. i have a cousin on a site. she asked to befriend my daughter. my daughter!!! she didnt ask to befriend me. bitch. no, she had her account inaccessible. but my daughter she asked. i guess i am the worst person on earth. and when i called her on this, she said that if i would have asked her to befriend her she would have said yes. so i pointed out that i couldnt have asked since her account was unavailable. of course she didnt have an answer to that.

then, she had her children unfriend my daughter, the fuckin bitch. what has one thing to do with the other.

this hurts me immeasureably. too much.

i must be the most horrible person on earth, i really must be. i just dont know it.

MORONS RUN THE CLAIMS DEPT.

morons work in my office. and they are managers. really. i am not good at responding to confrontation, nor am i good at selling myself. and i am not a people person, i am well aware of that. and, unlike most, and ive mentioned this previously on this blog, i do not lie, nor do i bullshit. i am even talking about the little lies that most people make. (and i know that most people make big ones also.) i rarely even make those. and that is probably why i have these morons going around saying how stupid i am. i graduated from the best state school. admittedly, my overall grade was B-, or 2.89. but that was more a matter of the poor study habits i had, when in HS, rather than an indication of my intelligence, or lack there of. in HS, i aced every course, except gym, of course.

HS was easy for me, so i barely had to study. thats where the poor study habits came in. i was also quite depressed in college, cause my parents had bought a home way out on long island, and that took me away from my HS friends. and i had a lot of HS friends. however, i did not make friends in college so easily. the thing about HS, was that there were students from my JHS and and grade school there. that was unlike college. only one of my HS friends attended the college i attended.

he was the person who took me to my HS prom, so you would think i would have had more out of that relationship. but we were kids and it wasnt that much of a romantic relationship. actually, he was probably too young for me. so, although i always had at least one friend while in college, (friends i made while in college) i was no social butterfly.

anyway, i feel a need to list the grades i had on the regents i took while in HS. from highest grade, to lowest. algebra, 100. yes, you got that right. mathematics is one of my strengths. when i took the regent, i reviewed it three times. each time i found a different error. i couldnt believe it each time, thinking, how could i have missed it. but i had, and i changed my answers correctly, cause, like i said, i had a score of 100. (and ended up with a 97, as my final grade in the course.) then i took trigonometry. i loved algebra. i liked trig. but 96 on a regent, aint bad. aint bad at all. however, the regent score i am most proud of was the chemistry regent. i hated chemistry. and i did poorly. this may have been more because of the poor teachers i had, than my inablility. i was actually failing the second semester of chemistry, when it came time to study for the regent. i studied prior regents. they usually concentrate on the same things. and chemistry, i finally learned, was a lot of logic. and, thats just what algebra is. (and no one can out logic me.) i studies the periodical table, and more, but i certainly dont recall much of that now. and my chemistry regent score: 93. this was 11th grade. and by this time, the school system (at least my school system) had decided not to hold poor regent grades against you. but a good grade could help you. so, thank goodness, for that 93. i ended up with an 85 in the course.

in tenth grade i took three regents: biology, geometry and social studies. and this is really unbelieveable: i had the same score on all three, 81. can you believe it. what are the odds of that. anyway, let me acknowledge that 81 is not a great grade. i disliked geometry, although i did well in both semesters. and social studies and biology require recollection of facts, this not being a strength of mine. and after i graduated HS, in january, having competed HS in 3.5 years (did the same with college) and already in college, i took the english regent. i was accepted to college without the information about this regent. i dont even think i need to take this regent, since i was already in college, but i was afraid someone somewhere down the line would say i shouldnt have been accepted to the university, since i hadnt taken this regent. so i took it, feeling superior to the other students taking the test, cause they were mere HS students. the english regent is the one that is most disappointing. i always did well in english (well, in HS i always did well in everything.) actually, in JHS also. anyway, let me correct that. i always enjoyed english, and did well in it. but i scored a 75 on the regent. and it included essays, which i did well on. oh, well, i cant explain it.

recently, my daughter math teacher assigned the class homework that was way too advanced for them. it was algebraic word problems that they will be studying two years from now. why he assigned this to them, i dont know. the point is, guess who was the only student who came in with the right answers: you got it, my daughter. and why do you think that is..... cause her mother is very good in math, thats why. and this old brain of mine never worked better.

and so there it is. morons run the claims dept where i work. cause only a moron could say that i am anything less than intelligent. i hate to have to assert this. i am very poor at singing my own praises (also part of the problem.) but i feel i had too. and feel a lot better, having done so.

i need to add: what these idiots dont realize is that theres a difference between stupidity and insecurity.

PUSH, BY SAPPHIRE

damnit, damnit, damnit.
im sitting here with my laptop in my lap.
i told my husband i quickly needed it so i may write on my blog.
and i have a great topic: the movie push, or precious, based on the book by sapphire.
so, with the laptop, in my lap, i have the tv in front of me, and am watching saturday night live,
which usually disappoints me, but i keep seeing snippets from recent episodes, and regret having missed them. so for the first time, in i dont know how long, i have been watching it, with my laptop
in my lap.

and suddenly it hits me. i have to post. what is the time. and the time is 12.05. i missed november
14. damn. damn. damn. ive been doing so well. damn.

ive tried napoblomo for the last two years. i dont believe i made it too far. this is the furthest.
well, ill keep going, i hope. im not the most motivated person in the world.

and i am too diappointed right now to continue writing about the movie, precious, which i saw today, uh yesterday, saturday. perhaps later, i will feel better.

DAMN.

I SAW TWO MOVIES TODAY

THIS IS IT and A CHRISTMAS CAROL.

now how could i not enjoy, thisis it.
i grew up with some of the music, for goodness sake, and the rest of it followed me thru adulthood. i have loved michael jackson's music thruout.
i cant say ive loved him thruout, tho. i may have mentioned some of this before, but im not as adept a computer person as some bloggers, so youll have to bear with me repeating myself.

i didnt like in the movie the parts where they have his dancers talking. frankly, i felt that was boring. yes, if i were dancing with him, or even just watching him live, i believe i would be in awe. but, i could have lived without these scenes. and i believe, at least in some of the earlier scenes in the movie, that michael was getting out of breath, and couldnt sing. now i realize these scenes werent meant for public consumption when they were filmed. and i didnt mind so much seeing them either. but, i would have certainly preferred hearing michael seeing more, rather than hearing him sing less. i am referring to the scenes in which michael is singing and then suddenly stops. now, he never acknowledges that that is what is happening. and in later scenes, although they werent similar behavior, he says he is tring to save his voice, so he is not belting out or singing as high, as he could, for that reason.

but this isnt given as an explanation for the earlier scenes.
i also do realize, that they may have been making the movie more dramatic, by giving us less at the beginning and more at the end.

now dont get me wrong. michael, at his very worst, is better than most at their very best. and i did, for the most part enjoy the movie. i was dancing in my seat during most of his songs, and it was wonderful.

i do believe he was a pedophile, and i cant forget the antisemitic remarks he had in one of his songs. but his singing and dancing do still give me enjoyment.

GEORGE LOPEZ'S NEW SHOW

i watched lopez tonight last night. i may or may not have mentioned this in an earlier post: i love his earlier show. you know, the sitcom, where he has a wife, two kids, a mom, and FIL. one of the few shows in which i like every character on the show.

so i was very much looking forward to his talk show.
i was a little concerned cause i saw a show of his standup, and he mentioned things i wasnt too thrilled about. on the other side, he was on the edge, and i like that.

his voice was going on him, presumably cause its not used to the daily grind of a daily talk show. and that did interfere with my enjoyment of the show. well, hes still on the edge. and i still like that. he made some real good jokes about amy winehouse and some others. the problem i found all (or most of the jokes) were about caucasian people. and he had a feature called creepy white girl. i dont think thats right. and most of his audience was made up of minorities. and most (possibly all) of his guests were african american.

yes, i feel he has ever right to make jokes about whatever he likes. and have whatever guests he prefers and perhaps the audience is the one he attracts. and i would never suggest that his show be taken of the air cause i feel offended about his comments or anything else about his show. i am a very stong supporter of freedom of speech.

but i think his comments alone arent right.

DEATH OF TWO LIVING BEINGS

today i watched morning joe, with joe scarborough, for about fifteen minutes. thats cause i was home from work. i dont usually have an opportunity to watch it, and frankly i am not usually drawn to it anyway. ill usually watch either monk or criminal intent or svu.

any way, in the short time that i watched today, they discussed the death of two living creatures. first, the washington sniper was killed by lethal injection, and scarborough was quite satisfied about that. then he and his guests discussed a tree that was going to be cut down, apparently as the rockefeller center christmas tree.
and scarborough was most distraught about the tree.

and it is a stunning tree. and the washington sniper did do horrible things.
but can you imagine. happy about the death of a human being. and upset about the impending death of a tree.

I'M A FAT WOMAN, AS YOU KNOW

im a fat woman. ive made that quite clear in former posts. i have been for most of my life.

i want to be thinner. i strive to be thinner. but it doesnt happen. my weight swings up and down lately, depending on how ill ive been and how in control of the gerd ive been suffering from for the last two years. right now, and for the last three months, with the prednisone im taking, i have had a handle on it. of course that means im eating well again. and ive gained considerable weight in these three months. at least 20 pounds. possibly more. when im less in control of my weight i dont look at the scale. when im doing well, i look at it every day.

well, the main reason im addressing this subject is that yesterday a coworker commented about my weight. now, as a child i went through a lot of negative comments about it, both from classmates and family. i was extremely sensitive about it then. rude comments would easily bother me and hurt me. ive come a long way in that department. comments bother me much much less. i even sometimes, actually often, jokingly, or seriously, mention my weight. and its not like when i was younger and did so cause i felt obligated to do so or cause i mentioned it before someone else would or cause i felt i was guilty of being fat. i easily even use that word fat.

today a coworker alluded to my weight. i like this coworker. shes very friendly. ive always thought she was a lovely woman. shes slim, of course, although ive encountered fat woman who have had the audacity of commenting negatively about my weight. unbelieveable. and, unlike more recent similar experiences, its bothering me.

Im bored

im bored

MILEY CYRUS

im not a fan of hers.
she makes a catchy song now and then, but i dont think shes a great talent.
i will say that her father has gotten better looking with age-yum, yum.

but the purpose of this post is the inappropriate dance routine she did at the teen awards. shes 16. i doubt she has that much control over what she does. and, once again, shes 16. her parents (her dad seems to be most involved with her career)and er manager, i feel are responsible for the choreograpy of the dance.

thats it for now.

PRECIOUS CAME OUT YESTERDAY

precious came out yesterday, but in limited release.
i so want to see this picture.
i read the book, i think about a year ago, and am rereading it, in preparation of the movie.

i cant help but wonder if i will get to see it.
firstly, its limited release.
im just speculating here, but does that mean the movies total release depends on how well it does in limited release. well, if it does, i wonder when ill be able to see it. its rated R, after all. that limits it. some of its subject matter is the reason its rated R. thats gonna limit it also.

I'M HOME AGAIN

thats right, boys and girls. and i really didnt want to stay home today.
my husband was driving me to work. (let us all remember that i bruised my right
toe yesterday-and its black and blue today.) anyway, i was going to go to work
today, despite being in pain. i figured, with ibuprophen and the special shoe i had from when i broke a toe some years ago, i would be ok. plus, i work a short day on fridays. i thought
i might make it thru.

so, dh and i drove to manhattan and it was smooth sailing, that is till we arrived at the brooklyn bridge. its almost always crowded, but today it moved exceptionally slowly. when we approached the manhattan side, we saw they were diverting traffic. and then it hit me: perhaps today was the yankees parade. so, i came back home. i really do hate losing time from work, unless its for a vacation, or for a relaxation day. today (and yesterday) was neither. and i have since learned that i was right (i usually am). today was the yankees parade.

work isnt so great nowadays. i think i mentioned in a prior post that i have a new assignment. unless its a promotion (which mine is not), i think most of us wd prefer not to be transferred.
now i know im lucky to have a job in this day and age, especially with an unemployment rate of 10.2%. and i do appreciate my job. and i am a responsible and hardworking person.

but my new assignment is in an area which has a new floor. and the new floor smells terribly. often, i have difficulty breathing. i have told my superiors. nothings happened yet. i have three fans going at once. they barely help. several days ago, i made a suggestion to my current and former superiors; they just laughed. they think its a joke. ive been on prednisone for over a year now, and i have the swollen face to prove it. i find every which reason to exit my office to get away from the smell. i am a most unhappy camper.

PICK ANOTHER BODY PART

i hurt my toe. i am just falling apart.

ya, you heard me. i banged my toe on a cart in my apt. and it hurts. feels a bit better then when i injured it this morning, but it still hurts. now i dont mind the pain too much. i can live with it. it hurts most when i walk on it. if im sitting and have it raised, i have very slight pain. and i think, when i layed down and slept earlier, i think, not sure, but i think, it didnt hurt at all.

my main concern is work. i was given a new assignment last week, and with that comes a new supervisor. so i have to prove myself once again. so i wd have preferred not calling in sick so soon on this job. but what can you do.

i need to find the shoe i was given when i broke a toe, a couple of years ago. its the kind of shoe that is hard, so keeps your toes from bending, and from pain. but who knows where it is. i need to look for it. but thats no easy task cause, like i said, when i stand, i am in pain.

i spent the day mostly sleeping. when i stay home from work, my highlight is the view. but i only made it thru half of that show. partly cause the hot topics stopped halfway thru and partly cause i had woken up about 4am, washed clothes, and never returned to sleep. i did catch an episode of SPU, which i hadnt seen before, but came 20 minutes into it, and i dont really enjoy anything if i miss any part of it. also, altho i like the show, it isnt monk and it isnt criminal intent. and both of these shows are going off the air, i believe. well, its definite that monk is. criminal intent, if not off the air, will have to go thru a complete overhaul cause i heard vincent donofrio is leaving the show as is his sidekick erbe. (yes, i know. i am way too involved in TV.) and i never seem to catch the criminal intent episodes with jeff goldblum. the character he plays seems quite interesting.

so basically, that was my day, and i feel tired again. hope i feel well enough to work tomorrow.

PICK A BODY PART

thats what i want to say when people ask me how i am.
i have issues in almost all of my body.
years ago i was running down some steps, missed one, and landed, with all my weight, on my left foot. it was sprained, and healed, altho, i still dont have full movement. however, the more serious result of this accident, i believe to be, is a torn tibia plateau.(at least i assume thats how i sustained this problem. my surgeon said i couldnt have been born with it.) for those of you unaware of what this is (and thats probably most of you-i certainly wdnt know what it was, if i didnt have it.) its a tear in the edge of the kneecap.

years ago, when i had lost a lot of weight, i had lost it by walking 3 miles daily, weekends included. as a matter of fact, i wd take my walk even before eating, cause i knew that if i ate i might be bloated, or need to use the restroom. imagine that. actually doing something worthwhile before eating. well, you wont catch me doing that nowadays. anyway, after awhile, my left knee started hurting. someone suggested i get better sneakers-i was wearing those material sneakers. i had all different colors: pink, yellow. i loved them. but i gave them up for reeboks, and usually wear that brand to this day, altho ill buy a different brand if its on sale. the better sneakers helped a bit, but just a bit. eventually (and that took several years) i was diagnosed. ok, so thats the left knee.

then i have three herniated discs in the lower part of my back. and i have no idea how i got that. someone suggested childbirth. i dont believe so. i had back pain prior to that, but usually attributed it to being fat or menstruating. in retrospect, i believe it was the discs. and it took a chiropractor
(after years of seeing an orthpedist) to suggest an MRI, which diagnosed the herniations.

i believe ive spoken of my psychosomatic illnesses here. i have IBS and GERD. ive never mentioned anismus, cause its a little embarrassing, and i wont describe it here. i will leave it to you to look up, if you are so inclined. these illnesses are chronic and seriously effect my life. i used to sometimes stay home cause of the need for a restroom, cause of the anismus. the GERD has resulted in barretts esophagus, which, as you know can result in cancer. and no small consequence is the constant gas i suffer from. and as a result of the chest gas, i have mucus which interferes with my breathing. so i take prednisone for that, which makes my face fuller than it already is.

then i have a bump on my left foot, which the dr xrayed and diagnosed (unfortunately, i cant recall what it is.) its not serious, but i was fitted with orthotics for it, which helped, and reduced the bump. i havent worn them for awhile cause i havent had pain for awhile. and frankly, i can only find one of them now-altho this wasnt the reason i stopped wearing them. they make me walk kinda funny. they push my feet at an angle, so walking is somewhat uncomfortable.

i believe i have some kind of arthritis in my hands cause i cant comfortably straighten my fingers. nor can i place my hands at a 90 degree angle to my wrist, like you do when youre doing a handstand.

i have other problems, but im tired now. good night all.

PRECIOUS, BY SAPPHIRE

the movie precious is coming out this friday. i read the book early last year. im trying to recall where i learned about the book. perhaps from antiracist parent, but im not sure. its a good book, altho a short one, as first novels tend to be. it took some getting used to the way precious initially spoke. i found myself bawling, yes, really bawling, while reading a passage from the book. i dont recall totally what it was about. i do know that precious was in the classroom and was embarrassed cause she couldnt do something. this was the alternative classroom.

ive begun rereading the book, in preparation for the movie. ive only gone about 20 pages and already i see some differences from the movie. when i first read the book, i thought that precious was huge, perhaps cause she sees herself as huge. now i read that shes 200 pounds. but shes five foot nine inches. i dont think thats fat. i, at five foot four, dont look terrible at 200 lbs. i believe i encountered other differences, but i dont recall what they are right now.

i hope that sapphire, the books author, will write a sequel. i think it would be great to continue precious' story.

i wish i were in more of a writing mood, but im not, so thats all for now.

ROMAN POLANSKI

almost everyday, when i hear headlines, or experience something in my life, i think about writing about it in my blog. i go on and on, in my head, about what i would say. and now, here i am, committed to writing for 30 consecutive days, and i am at a loss. too much pressure, i guess. well, i do have one thing i wanted to say. its a similar topic to yesterdays post, which i why i had hoped to think of something else. but its better than nothing. and i really would like to stick to this. i tried last year and the year before. last year, i believe, i messed up very early on (and almost already did that this year), by not posting on time. the year before, i believe i made it half way thru the month. ok. ill try to do better this year.

i wanted to speak about roman polanski. dont get me wrong. i do feel sorry for the experiences hes had. to worry for your life when youre so young, as he was. to be target practice for the nazis as a child, as ive heard he was. to lose your wife and child in so horrific a way. i know hes suffered plenty. and ive considered the fact that perhaps these experiences caused him to go haywire, and act like this.

but i dont think his suffering rationalizes his making others suffer. or allows for him to do so. and the child that he raped did suffer. she may be ok with it now. (or she may be ok with the money he gave her when she -and i guess her family, since she was quite young.) it doesnt matter. he raped a child. and make no mistake, she was raped. i believe she was 14. it doesnt matter that she was not a virgin. it doesnt matter at all. as i said in yesterdays post about angelina jolie, a person over 18 cant legally have sex with a person under 18, at least in the united states.

adults should know better. (yes i know, thats an understatement.) they are in control of the situation. children (even at 14, or 13. im not sure how old the girl was at the time.) still want to please adults. children are more easily manipulated by adults who have learned how to manipulate. and i think mr polanski did manipulate her.

that perhaps isnt even the issue here. cause he drugged her. gee, he went as far as to ply her with alcohol. (yet another serious offense with a child.) some say that since she was not a virgin, it was ok to have sex with her. i say, thats ridiculous. even a husband may be charged and convicted, of the rape of his non-virginal wife.

ok, im done. ill try to speak on a different topic tomorrow.

any suggestions?

NEW BOOK ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE

a book recently came out about angelina jolie. i dont know the name right now and i am not going to search for it. frankly, im not so sure i want to give it any free publicity. i am mentioning it because i read an article about the book, with the highlight being that jolie slept with her mothers boyfriend when jolie was 16 years old. the article said: jolie beds mothers boyfriend. i read another (here is the link: http://www.indiatarget.com/cgi-bin/detailnews.cgi?id=9512. this says that after jolie told her mom about the incident, her mom was upset at jolie.
upset at a 16 yo child for sleeping with your bf? let us think about who should be upset at whom.
i dont care what jolie looked like. (and i happen to think shes stunning looking now. presumably, she was good looking then.) i dont care if she walked around the house naked. i dont care if she had had sex numerous times prior to this (i dont know this to be true; im just trying to make a point.) but it doesnt matter SHE WAS 16 YEARS OLD!!!!! i think her mom was negligent in looking out for her daughter. she did not successfully protect her daughter. she brought a man into her daughters life who raped her daughter. this is statutory rape. no person over 18 can legally have sex with a person under 18. i think her mom misdirected her anger: it should have gone

CARDOZO WAS FIRST HISPANIC JUSTICE

sotomayer, if elected, will not be the first hispanic supreme court justice.
benjamin cardozo was.

MY SISTER WAS CONCEIVED OUT OF WEDLOCK

MESHELE ROBIN SACRESTANO SADEH, for whom i am not good enough.

to whom i am too fat, too whom i am too sloppy.
who has said she is ashamed of me.
well, lookee here.

MY DAD IS IN THE HOSPITAL

my father is ill and in the hospital.
he went in for one thing and is diagnosed with another.
he fainted in his bathroom and now they find gallbladder problems.
he takes it well. he takes it better than the rest of us.
unfortunately, along with my dad, i had to see my beloved sister.
we had an argument (to say the least) while in the hospital.
it was started when my sister had the audacity to talk disparagingly about what she calls illegitimate children.
so i reminded her that she was conceived out of wedlock.
this is my sister, boys and girls.
my very snobby thinks-shes-better-than-the-rest of-the-world sister.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123-MY REVIEW

caution: spoilers ahead.
i had such high hopes for this movie. i saw the first one on a first date. the date went no where, but i loved that movie. and i thought i would love this movie. we have travolta, whom ive loved for years, and washington, whom i have recently come to love. well, what a disappointment. they played this loud horrid music, that distracted from the story. frankly, the movie was like one big music video.

and i guess, unlike robert shaw, you cant give travolta a subordinate role, so the bad guy supporting cast was almost unheard from. as far as acting, washington is good. travoltas ok. travoltas character was supposed to have been from wall street. yet he was nuts. and so unpoised. he had been in prison. could this have changed him so. could he have always been like that, even as a success on wall street? i dont know. and washington. walter matthau played his character in the first movie. and i know matthau was more of a comic than washington, but i liked that in the first movie, which is high tension. i feel you need that comic relief.

it was nice to see gandolfini in a character different from his usual fare (here hes mayor of ny). and i like turturro. but i dont recommend this movie. (edit)

LISA LING SISTER IS HELD IN KOREA

for almost three months.

i like lisa ling. i think shes a very decent person.
(she put up with those old view broads for several years, didnt she?)
i hope this can be resolved safely and healthfully.

SAY NO TO JUDGE SOTOMAYER

i declared my support for judge sotomayer in a post last week.
i now feel i have to withdraw it. her decision in the cicci case from new haven, and her reasoning for those comments give me reason to pause. yes, women, and hispanics and blacks have suffered tremendous discrimination in this country. and continue to do so. but,i dont think further discrimination is the answer. remember this one? two wrongs dont make a right.
the law applies to all groups and should be interpeted equally for all groups, even the groups who have interpreted for their own purpose and against others.

I HAVE GERD AND SHORT ESOPHAGUS

my great grandmother lived till 86. my grandmother lived till 77. mother, till 68. well, with this pattern, i didnt think i was gonna make it till 60. and now i have what can become precancerous cells in my esophagous. surprise, surprise. i have gerd and some kind of barretts. short area barretts barretts.
lucky me. why do i have this. i can only give you the psychological reasons. people make me nuts. thats right. thats it. yes, there are biological reasons. but i believe the psych ones predated and made me predisposed to those. people thats it. theyre always disappointing me or hurting me. yes, there i go again, playing the martyr. but now i have good reason. i dont know what the fuck to do. i dont know if i can control this. i am in constant anxiety.
i know losing weight could help. i know not eating till im blue in the face could help. i know if i didnt have anismus it would help. activity. that works. but i prefer sitting in front of the tv or computer and, thats right eating. the first two are of course under my control. well, theyre under a normal persons control. i am not a normal person. i like to eat all too well. i like it in and of itself. plus, it squashes the anxiety and fear i suffer. when i say fear, mostly i cant specify. sometimes. theres something in particular i am afraid of. but mostly, its just fear of nothing specific.
of course, if i didnt have a selfish, selfcentered sister, and if i didnt have a viscious MIL, i would feel a lot better. and of course, a husband with some compassion for my situation, gee, wouldnt that be nice. i would have loved if he would have at least said, oh im so sorry you have this. but oh no. he makes its like its all my fault. and if you think similarly, i am not interested in hearing from you.
ok. enough of this rant.

THE BITCH IS BACK

the fucking cunt rears her ugly head again. my sister had the audacity to call me this past saturday. we were scheduled to visit my father. the phone rings, and as it the case more and more, dd answered it. most of the calls nowadays are for her. her face registers surprise. she mouths my sisters name. im thinking, am i understanding her. then i get concerned cause i would think the only reason the bitch would call is if something happened to our father. dd gives me the phone. i cant recall all of the phone call cause i was too incensed to give it all my attention.

when i got on the phone, i think she said something about my coming over to her home. i should have responded by verbally ripping her to shreds. but i am too much of a lady to do that. and i say that with regret. what i did say was, "i am not going to be decent to you." there was another sentence, but i dont recall it. she then put my dad on the phone. he was there. i was angry and expressed it. he got defensive and said, "i was just coming over to give your sisters kids some candy." ok. this isnt verbatim. i should have written this sooner, so i would have recalled it better.

i wish my father didnt feel he has to give me an explanation (and a very weak one, at that) as to why he visits my sister. i dont mind. i really dont. and i dont believe i ever conveyed to him that i did. they live close to each other. this is his family, after all. and i know hes lonely.

i have thought about why my sister would invite me over. love? missing me? wanting her kids to see their cousins? oh, no. not a chance. that bitch doesnt give a damn about anyone but herself.
(well, and i guess her family. her immediate family, that is. oh, no. i forget. her husbands side of the family, of course. and her cousins on our side of the family. oh, well.it seems that she does care about her extended family. so then what could it be. she doesnt care about her sister. and who could that be? ohhhhhhh. me! i am not pretty enough, dont dress well enough, and of course, im fat.) i am intelligent, but that matters not to her.

oh, i think i digressed. why, all of a sudden, would she invite me over now? well, i told my dad that the cousins she invited to her sons barmitvah, you know, the one i-the sister, wasnt invited to, one of those cousins sons was married. and my sister wasnt invited. ho ho ho. just desserts. i think she wanted to find out how i found out. my father told me several months ago that she wanted to know how. i wouldnt tell him.

fewer than 14,000,000

jews in the world. thats it. leave us alone.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTONS

i had a free coupon for a video rental. so i rented this. believe me, it was not an easy decison. not cause theres so many i wanted to rent, but cause theres so many i didnt. ordinarily, i would have gone with a comedy, something dd and i could enjoy together. and there are some comedies out there i was considering: the one with anne hathaway, where she and goldie hawns daughter compete to get married, theres stepbrothers, i had some interest in seeing this one. but i decided this was my weekend: moms day. and i wanted to be thought provoked. so, while the clerk handled my application request, since for some odd reason they couldnt locate my membership, i vacillated between renting this movie and renting doubt, and then reconsidering the anne hathaway movie: i really like her, as an actress and a person.

the concept of someone growing younger as life goes on is certainly thought provoking, dont you think. and brad pitt is so nice to look at. (though i hate to say, ever since he played a character with nazi inclinations=the tibet one, hes gone down in my view.) i do like his wife, or i have. i think shes gone a little wild with all the kids, although i understand that once she had one, she wanted that child to have a fellow sibling of the same race.

and i do like cate blanchett. i remember her from the amazing mr ridley. i happen to like her face. although not a great beauty, i think she has a real nice face, which to me is indicative of a real nice person. i dont think ive seen her in any other movie.

the most amazing thing about this movie is that dd wanted to see it. this child never fails to amaze me. i expected her to hem and haw when she saw what i had rented. i expected to have to watch it in the wee hours of the morning, when she was asleep, so it wouldnt interfere with her tv enjoyment. but then she told me she had been interested in seeing it. im glad. i do enjoy watching movies with her. she is my movie partner, after all. so we watched it together.

of course, in lots of ways, this movie doesnt make sense. not cause this couldnt happen, although somehow, someway, someday, i think it might. the movie itself doesnt make sense to me. the character is born as a baby, an old baby. with wrinkles (old person wrinkles) and old bones and old eyes. and he dies as your average baby. how can you be small at both ends of life. does that make sense. and he gets dementia at the end of his life. im trying to understand that part. hes old at the beginning. at least his body is old. im not sure about his mind. but doesnt one go hand in hand with the other. then again, the author (f scott fitzgerald) can go anywhere he wants. it is fiction, after all. (science fiction?)

benjamin buttons mom dies right after he is born, and his father, his mean, uncaring, dispicable father, leaves him on the doorstep of an old folks home. a black women, the caretaker of this home, sees the baby, and takes him in and raises him as her own. this was very touching. he calls her mama and she does see him as her own, even after having her own, although that does take attention away from benjamin to the new baby, and benjamins character is bothered (understandably by that.) see, this is what i find confusing. hes jealous of the baby cause he himself is a child. and he plays nicely with an actual five year old, cause, although he looks eighty, hes really five himself. so he has a five year old mind in an eighty year old body? well, perhaps, since he has dementia at the end, although hes in a five year olds body. anyway, the actress (taraja p henson) who plays his mother, well, the one who raises him and cares for him eventhouogh hes not the prettiest face on earth, i know her from the show the division. i thought she was a horrible actress then. shes much improved. anyway, i expected that, although she took on caring for this baby, she wouldnt consider him her own, but just another person to care for at the home. but she loves him as her son, he leaves and returns to see her several times during the course of the film.`

the first woman who loves him romantically (and actually he talks of only two women who love him romantically in his life.) is played by tilda swinton. now, i thought that was blanchett. my daughter said, isnt that the actress from narnia. and i said, noooo. then, i saw blanchett in the movie. and i was confused and perplexed. am i the only one who sees the strong resemblence between these women. http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2005/12/are_tilda_swint.html. well, obviously not.

i have been working on this review since friday. im tired of it. it doesnt say all i wanted to say, but it does say a lot. so i am going to post it, and perhaps, add to it in the future.

SUPREME COURT JUSTIE SONIA SOTOMAYER

isnt it about time?

MOTHERS DAY

im thinking about my mom. i dont have all that many good thoughts about her, frankly. she hurt me a lot. i do have to say that i feel early on she was a good mother. and i guess, if youre gonna be good and not good as a mother, its best you do the good work early on, in the growth stages of the child. and i guess she did. god knows, i adored her as a child. i prob mentioned it here somewhere, but ill repeat it just in case. when i was about seven or eight, i recall looking up at my mother and thinking, that when she died, i wanted to die. i could not bear to live without her. of course, within ten years, within six years actually, we were at each others throats. yes i know, that holds true for many mothers and daughters. but they make amends and they dont go months and months without talking. she was very selfish. i dont cared that this is for moms day. shes not alive to see this anyway. she hurt me way too much. it is too painful. i know i sound like a broken record and i hate that i sound like a martyr, but when it comes to family, i got screwed.

i thought of something good mother did. she picked a good man the second time, with stepdad, who is still alive. and she never allowed me to be treated any worse than she treated my sister. what im saying is she treated my sister and me equally miserably. i actually said that to my father recently, the latter line. and what a double take he gave me, although he didnt argue. i dont know how he could. she was unbeliveable.

oh, something else. she thought i was smart. she was very insecure of her intelligence. she had a high school education, and she wasnt stupid, but she was kinda unrefined, like yours truly. she was street smart, made friends easily, won them over easily. unlike yours truly. but she did instill a confidence in me of my intelligence. and she always encouraged to go on and on with education, the jewish woman that she was. so she did some good. but, lets now forget, she did lots not so good. sorry. im just being terrible, arent i.

MY TAKE ON THE PRACTICE

the lead guy, i guess hes considered the traditional good looking man, but i think his face looks like a mannequins. the black guy, couldnt act during the first seasons (although he did improve later on) and his lower lip, when he was listening, i thought made him look dumb. i found it annoying that the receptionist had such a big mouth to the firms owner, and everyone else. as did the subsequent receptionists.

the one who played the pretty woman. with her buck teeth. when she spoke, i thought it was so annoying. this changed in the latter seasons. i dont know if she had something done with her teeth or i just got used to it.

prior to this show i disliked the one who played the prosecution for awhile, the one with the dark hair, the actress who dated jack nicholson. as much as i like the show i can hardly recall the actors names. anyway, i grew to like this actress and would have liked her relationship with dylan (there, a slight memory) to have contd.

all these negatives. i just dont know why i like this show so. some good acting, i think. and great story lines. it didnt matter at the time, but i find it interesting that kelley is married to michelle pheiffer, whom i have slowly become a fan of. (what lies beneath, hairspray.)

PUSH, by SAPPHIRE

i am reading the book PUSH, by sapphire. OMG, this poor child. what a horrid life she was living. i was crying on the subway and i couldnt stop, and just thinking about it is choking me up. her father was raping her from the time she was 7 yo. her mother beat her mercilessly. she couldnt read. she was fat. and she hated herself. but she has hope. a movies been made of it, and i hope to see it.

A FRIEND IS ILL

i have a friend. yes, it happens. (i kinda have a friend or two-sorta.)
well, we met at work, back in 1982. well, he (I will call him A-.) says early 1983. i say late 1982. but why quibble, im usually right.

anyway, we were very good friends in the 80s. we spoke daily. saw each other, probably once or twice monthly. we were friendly. platonically. we were both in our thirties then. and both lonely for a romantic relationship.

he went on to another job, where, seven years later he met and introduced me to the man who i was to date, and then to marry. and he went to meet someone and marry as well. the first time i met his wife, i was dating my friend howard rittman we went out on new years eve, i think, of 1988-99. i had one of several stress related illnesses, on this night, altho this one i will not elaborate on.

we went to mamma leones, which was to become a favorite of mine for a number of years. we (DH, and i and my parents) took my sister and her husband out just after they married, in 1990, the same year that A and his wife married, as a matter of fact. one mothers day, i believe, i took my mom to a broadway play, and then to eat at mamma leones. howard and i ate there a number of times.

and once we had respective romantic people in our lives, we (A- and I) stopped being friendly. thats probably sad cause we had great conversations. hes very intelligent and im not stupid, at least not to talk to.

oh, i was maid of honor at his wedding. only cause my husband was best man. actually, it only occurs to me now. his wife had seven or eight brothers. most of them with wives. i wonder if she didnt want to alienate any of them by picking one over another, so she picked me. it was romantic, though, my boyfriend and i walking down the aisle side by side. and although we are later married, it was by a justice of the the peace, so we havent walked down the aisle as prospective man and wife.


well, A- is ill. he may have parkinsons disease. he definitely has some illness that is making him lose control over his movements. this is very upsetting for me. up till i lost howard, i never lost anyone till i was ready to.

i know that sounds silly. often when youre young, you feel nothing bad can happen to you. and when it does, it makes you feel mortal, which is a horrid feeling. so wonderful to feel like nothing bad can happen to you. yes, i know im making this about me, but it is my blog, and nobody reads it anyway.

STAR ISLAND, KISSIMMEE FLORIDA

while in florida, this is where we stayed.

the top important things to me: cleanliness, safety, non smoking, discounted price.
this resort met all these requirements. the room(s)-they call them villas-are immaculate. we had a two, or three BR villa, depending how you look at it. they called it three. we essentially had two villas, with a door between them what they call a lock off. you could rent either side or both. we were four people (DH, DD, DD's best friend, and i). and my father had considered coming, so we opted for the 3 BR. he didnt come though my dad. if he had, it would have worked, but it would have been a little tight.

the side where DH and i stayed, was absolutely beautiful. a large bedroom with a king
size bed. a lovely, large bathtub, with a jacuzzi. i used the jacuzzi only once, i am
not really into a jacuzzis. the controls to it were not reachable from the tub. it was on a timer, but i would have liked to have stoppd the jacuzzi sooner, but without getting out of the tub. the sink , mirror and stall shower, were in the bedroom, which was fine. but that left the bathroom alone, and it was tiny, with just the toilet. it was not the pleasantest place. if you were clautrophobic, you would stay away.

there was another bathroom in this side of the villa, a larger one with a stall shower. this one was also small. we had a big living room and a full kitchen, including a dishwasher and cabinets. and they include just about everything you need to cook: dishes, pots pans, etc. the living room had a convertible couch. if it were just DH and daughter and i, we would have taken thIs part of the lockoff. more than enough room for us.

i cant recall what they called the other side. one bedroom? also not a place for the
claustrophobic. a small bedroom with two full size beds, TV and closet. next to it is a room with a convertible couch. this room also had a sink, mini fridge, microwave, cooking and eating utensils. i guess this serves as the kitchen and living room. (last year we stayed at westgate in a studio. it was wonderful. we didnt have a full kitchen, but we had lots more room than this side of the lockoff. let me say that i am not complaining, since we had both sides at star island. just dispensing information, so you could see if you like the place.)

not sure how the cost compares between the two lock offs. (also at westgate, our villa was a lockoff, and we didnt have the other side. when you first entered the villa, there was a huge hallway, and the people next door-and i think their
visitors-made a lot of noise in this shared area. at star island, you walk right into
your villa-there is no hallway.) this side had the largest bathroom, cause it included the tub. as bathrooms can go, its still small.

all villas are nonsmoking (important criteria for me-i have asthma.) smoking is allowed 20 or more feet from the villas.)

there was lots of security. having two 12 yo girls wth me, i was especially concerned about this. i wanted to be somewhere i could feel comfortable with their walking in the resort alone. and i did.

now for the problems.
i made my reservations online. i got a discounted price in return for sitting through a timeshare presentation. i am not sure how the price compares without the timeshare. we paid $100 a night. ok this is not a problem, however it may have lead to problems. i called ahead to confirm my reservation. i spoke to two employees and neither could find my reservation. (can you imagine my panic? plus, it wasnt just my family, we had my daughters friend. if we had to, my family and i could hang our hats any old place for just one night. however i wouldnt feel right doing that with someone elses child.) then i called the friends dad, he accessed my email and confirmed my reservation with star island. i called the resort again, and this time they found it. what relief. except, when i physically arrived at the resort, again they couldnt find it. and they had no idea who the person was who had. and they didnt recognize the confirmation number she had given me. (i felt like i was in the twilight zone.) they offered us the 3 bedroom villa i said we were reserved for. and suggested that we wait till the morning to straighten out the reservation. i was a little concerned about this, but remembered the person to who had confirmed my reservation. so i figured i belonged there and wasnt going to be charged the regular nighly rate.

as i said above the rooms were beautiful. i quickly accessed my email, and saw what
created the problem. they had mispelled our surname, using an "M" instead of an "N".i
called the front desk and told them that, and lo and behold, they found our reservation. altho i was speaking to the same person i had checked in with, i received no apology. if not actually rude, the front desk employees werent the most pleasant. perhaps i was a bit remiss in not bringing a copy of the confirmation, or at least noticing the misspelling of my name. but am i wrong in thinking they should have looked it up under a different letter. and i believe the only ways to search for a reservation, was through its number or the first name. not by address or telephone number or company you made the reservation with.

my family and i went to orlando florida last week. while there, we visited discovery cove: http://www.discoverycove.com/DCO2/.
here is my review of it:

my family and i went to disc. cove last week, april 8, 2009. wednesday. it was our third time there. the first time we did not do the dolphin swim cause we made reservations too late for that to be available. but the second and third time, we did. it is wonderful. to have this marvelous creature all of six inches from you, is just amazing and excting. you get to touch, kiss, hug, feed and have the dolphin pull you i guess about 30 yards. i am not great with distances, so i could be mistaken with that.
most of the staff (not all, but most) is very cordial and helpful.
during my first experience there, i discovered snorkling and was simply thrilled. to swim with fish and stingrays, huge stingrays, just feet below you. the colors were spectacular. the second time i didnt enjoy the snorkling as much. i think i was cold, eventho, i always wear a full snorkling suit (which they lend you). i enjoyed the snorkling better this time, but i dont feel it was as pretty as my first experience.
i also enjoyed the dolphin experience more this time. but my husband and daughter did not. they both felt that we got less time than last year. my husband felt that the other family (eight people participate in the dolphin swim together) had more time. i however did not feel that way.
i missed walking amongst the stingrays, in a small pool. i really like the feel of them (altho it seems most people find them slimy) and you can feed them. but i prefer the above activities to this. same is true of the aviary. although, if youre swimming in the lazy river, and want to rest, you can go up to the aviary in the middle of it. i was initially disappointed cause the river didnt seem to flow as quickly as i recalled.. however, when i went in a second time, the momentum had picked up. i find it very relaxing.

the cost is exhorbitant. its almost $300, if you go for the dolphin swim. if you dont, its $100 less. and frankly, the dolphin swim takes time away from doing other things. i really think they should extend your time there at least half an hour, when you do the swim. it is nice however, not to stand on lines (except when youre deep into lunch time-my husband was on the food line a good 20 minutes.) no hustle, no bustle. they say they limit the entrance to 1000 people, but when i noticed it seemed more crowded than i recalled, an employee said that there were more than 1000 that day. i dont think thats right at all. i think the limit to the number of people is part of the reason its so costly.
although we didnt take advantage of it this time, you get a full weeks free entrance either to seaworld, or busch gardens in tampa florida. and that week can start any of the seven days your surrounding your DC stay.

almost everything is included: food (lunch is spectacular, and as much as you want,) drink, beer, parking, snacks, towels, showers, sun screen, lockers, lounge chairs, shampoo, soap, bag for wet bathing suit. in the past the snorkle and mask and net bag that they came in were yours to keep. now they only let you keep the mask. if you wear glasses, you can get prescription goggles to use. however, if you dont bring them back, theres a $200 charge. so i get them and then i worry the entire day, when im not using them, if theyre ok. of course you can put them in the lockers, i just hate wasting time when im there, walking to the lockers. its not that far, but i feel my time there is very precious.
even without the dophin experience, its a wonderful time. and you save $100.
i have given an excellent rating, but if i could i would give it 4 1/2 dots, or whatever those are, cause of the time the dolphin swim takes away.

MY WONDERFUL FAMILY (hear the sarcasm?) CONT"D

gladys horowitz. that was her name. that was bills wife's name, bill being my moms brother. anyway, i saw andrea on facebook; i dont think i saw bobby then. about a month later, i went back, and got involved. i understand the interest. it can be a lot of fun. its nice catching up with family and friends you havent seen for years. and, if not for facebook, might never touch base with again. anyway, four weeks after opening a FB account, i went back. and got involved. i contacted high school friends and i contacted family. andrea had disappeared from FB. surprise, surprise. i probably shouldnt be so egocentric to think i was the reason. i believe andrea can be kinda paranoid. however, after i became friends with her brother bobby, i didnt hear from her. oh, she was still there. she still had an account. but she kept it to herself. thats fine. thats her perogative. but, did she contact me, her first cousin, when she learned i was on FB. no, she did not.
she probaly thinks im not good enough for her, snob that she is. and i guess my mom wasnt good enough either. cause andrea wasnt at her funeral. and before anyone mentions that i wasnt at my aunt gladys' funeral, as much as i loved her, theres a difference: my mom was andreas fathers sister. when andreas father died, i was no longer related to aunt glady. there was a blood relation between andrea and my mom. that wasnt true of my aunt and me.

let me just take this opportunity to say that bills kids, my cousins, my moms nephews and niece, rarely called her aunt. they called her by her first name. what familiarity. what rudeness. even now, i hesitate to avoid calling gladys aunt. and shes no longer alive. and like i said, she stopped being my aunt when my uncle died. and you know what else, i dont think those kids have changed much at all.

so i contacted bobby. he responded. he accepted me as a FB friend. i inquired about his wife. i inquired about his son. he responded. one or two word answers. obligatory answers. did he ask about my husband. did he ask about my daughter. no, he did not. i think he couldnt care less. let me mention here, for whatever it is worth. bobby, years ago got engaged to a peruvian woman. me, i couldnt care less. however, my very jewish family, i mean bobbys very jewish family, and i guess mine took, were not thrilled. bobbys mom, gladys, was not happy at all. and it is my understanding that, even till her death, 30 years later, gladys and bobbys wife, did not get along. my mother, for all her faults, would befriend anyone, no matter what their race or ethnicity. she offered to gladys (uncle bill was deceased by this time) to throw an engagement party for bobby. gladys consented, and paid for half of it, which, considering her feelings(rightly, or wrongly), was pretty decent of her. she was the first in this jewish family, to accept bobbys non jewish, peruvian wife to be. my point is, i thought that was very darn decent of my mom. i guess bobby forgot. cause he wasnt at moms funeral. and he couldnt care less about me.

thats it for now, but more, much more to come.

FAMILY-ya know i got screwed.

well ive mentioned my most snobby sister here (and thats being kind to her.)
and ive mentioned my mother, although in all fairness to her, she was most fair in her not so niceness, treating me and sister, in a similar fashion. of course, we all know sister deserved what she got and i did not.

ok. i will admit that i lucked out with a husband and child. but the inlaws, well youve heard about them.

anyway, i thought i would talk about the extended family. as for my dads family, i had very little contact with them as i grew up. wait a minute. after my parents divorced in 62, i had NO contact with them till 1977, when i looked for my bio father. none, nada. now who's fault is this. probably no ones, really i guess. my father claimed he kept in contact with this danny guy who lived in my neighborhood and kept my dad informed of my life. i have no idea who this danny person was. leo mixed true life up with made up life at will. he may just wanted to make me think that, although he wasnt physically in my life, he was still aware of what went on. my mom didnt keep in contact with my dads side, and i dont hold any anger toward her cause of it. (besides, theres more than enough anger i have for her later antics, dont i.) i know she liked her sister in laws. that is, leos brothers' wives. interestingly enough, although both were older than she, they both outlived her. and one survives her still. i have spoken to both of them as well, and i believe they both liked my mother also. why they didnt keep in touch, i dont really know, but my mom was divorced from their husbands brother. i dont think its that surprising at all. i think it often happens, that theres less contact with the noncustodial parent, in most divorces. i know very little, eg, about my grandfathers family (moms dad). my moms parents divorced when she was three.

anyway, they are not the purpose of this post. my moms moms side is. i havent written much about pearl weigel horowitz fleishman. i think, come mothers day, or perhaps sooner, i will. she was an interesting, tough, good woman, whom i did not appreciate when she was alive. but like i said, another time for her.

well pearl horowitz begat sandra (mom) and william horowitz (my uncle.) i grew up seeing this side of the family. uncle bill died when i was 15. i had some fear of him. but thats probably more an indication of my wussiness than of him. he never hurt me in anyway. i recall seeing him on holidays like i saw everyone else. i recall spending half of one summer at his home and going to the pool club that he and his family went to every day. im sure he didnt take any money from my mom. i doubt she had any to give him, although i am trying to recall if this was before or after my mom remarried. i think it was before. she wouldnt have had extra money to give, i assume. oh, and BTW, my mother adored him. he was nine years my moms senior, and altho i wd like to write more about him, that too is not the purpose of this post.

i have joined facebook. about 2 months ago. i joined and didnt really get into it. i searched for friends and relatives. i found cousin andrea, bills daughter, two years my junior. we only see each other on rare occasions: bar mitvahs. actually, thats it. she wasnt at my moms funeral. not a surprise. i think andrea is quite selfish. not a surprise at all. of course her dads side of the family is the only side of the family she had contact with. they probably assume i dont know, but i knew before they did. theyre mother was the result of an affair their grandfather had with a woman other than his wife. his wife was unable to conceive. the woman who had the child apparently didnt want to keep her, cause her father and his wife brought her up. my point is, my side is the only side shes got. ok, by now of course she has her own family, and she has siblings. oh, havent i mentioned them yet: lee and bobby. bobby is the oldest, four years my senior. lee and i were born the same year. i once said to their mother, how interesting that she and my mom were pregnant at the same time. big mistake. this was after my uncle died an i brought her to tears. i guess you have noticed that i havent mentioned her name. im thinking about it. i have very little ill will toward her. not that mentioning her name is a bad thing. i have to think about this. and i have to sign off now. to be continued.

VANESSA HIDARY/THE HEBREW MAMITA

so have you discovered her yet. have you. if not, go check her out.
shes great. she recites these poems that are so thought provoking.
i love her. just discovered her several days ago. some of her routines are on youtube. she has great delivery, too.
i am going 2c her as soon as i can. you must too.

GREAT MEME-MY DAUGHTER'S QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

1.What is something mom always says to you?
face your fears

2. What makes mom happy?
tv and computer

3. What makes mom sad?
work

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
she makes odd faces

5. What was your mom like as a child?
why dont you ask her

6. How old is your mom?
is that really necassary?

7. How tall is your mom?
5 ft 4 and a HALF

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
sleep

9. What does your mom do when youʼre not around?
sleep

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
sleeping the longest time

11. What is your mom really good at?
math

12. What is your mom not very good at?
feeding me

13. What does your mom do for her job?
in charge of mailing something

14. What is your momʼs favorite food?
my food

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
she is very loving

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
there isnt really a cartoon character to describe her

17. What do you and your mom do together?
go to the movies

18. How are you and your mom the same?
we both hate to clean

19. How are you and your mom different?
i know fashion and she doesnt

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
she says it every day

21. Where is your momʼs favorite place to go?
the bedroom to sleep

IM HURTING AGAIN

touched base with my cousin. he went to te barmitvah.
i shouldnt ave asked. but i did.
from infancy i know these people.
my cousins. i feel betrayed.
its silly. they didnt know i was not invited.
they didnt know i wouldnt be invited.
they didnt know i wouldnt be there.
they are not responsible for my not being there.
the little spoiled snot nosed bitch.
i did not deserve this.

MY FRIENDS LOOK TOO DAMN GOOD

i have just joined facebook and caught up with lots of my school friends.
and guess what. most of them look great. what the fuck. i know i tend to be heavier than most, and i didnt expect that they would be as heavy as i, but for gods sake, they look so great. damn it. most, or so i thought, women, when they get to my stage of the game, are at least a little chubby, arent they?

mind your own business

this is unbelieveable. so a woman has 14 kids.
where do you come off judging. i cant get over this.
you just dont leave her alone. and by you, i mean, so many of you.
i cant believe all the negative comments i keep hearing.
who are you to tell her how many children she can and cannot have.
youre real good at saying that abortion is a womans right over her body.
but having children isnt?
i dont care if she has 100 kids. she has every right to have 100 more.
youre all impossible. its like she's become your scapegoat. oh, goody, goody.
we can pick on this one. whereas, others, you wouldnt dare.

oh and you want new legislation. to prevent this from happening again. so where do we stop. cant have eight at once. cant have 7 at once. cant have six, or five. you tell me. youre the judge. soon you will control everyone who has a child.

i am livid. you are impossible.

the catholic church

ive said it here before, but i will repeat it again.
i am very proud of being jewish and wouldnt want to be any other religion.
however, i wanted to talk about the catholic religion.
i like some aspects of it.
like the catholic church, i support neither the death penalty nor abortion.
i see both both as killing a life. i realize abortion interferes with a womans right to control her own body, but i think the life inside her trumps that.
i like the idea of confession. sort of like free therapy, and i am not meaning to be flippant here. i think it would be wonderful to go to somebody without making an appointment and having to pay them. i am assuming this is the case. feel free to correct me if its not.

i know the catholic church has been under fire in recent years. i dont support the happenings that caused that, certainly. but do you condemn an entire religion cause of some people who did terrible things. i know, the powers that be in the church, didnt respond as some would have wanted. thats still a few, although admittedly, a powerful few.

although i dont see this as a good excuse, i think part of the reason priest have hurt those in their congregation is cause they are not allowed to have sex, so this is their outlet. (yes, i know that doing this to boys, is abhorrent. and the priests should have gone elsewhere. and since their victims are young and also see them as authority figures, the priests actions are despicable.)

ok. im dones

i hate to admit it, but rabbis have been tried and convicted of this also.

SHELLEY SAID HABERMAN

shelley said was one of my best friends in high school.
we drifted a part when i moved out of the neighborhood (brooklyn to LI).
i touched base with her several times after.
i think, within four or five years. she was engaged to the person she ended up marrying, i believe.
and then, about eight years ago.
she had posted on a school site asking for me and other friends to contact her.
and i did.
we had several wonderful telephone conversations.
we tried getting together, but she was taking care of her elderly mother.

i have just recently learned that she died about four years ago.
i am really upset about that.
she and i were very, very close.
i dont believe we were ever in any classes together, but we lived two blocks away from each other and saw each other constantly. when one of us was at the others apt, and needed to go home, we would walk together half way. and then walk home alone.

shelley was pretty, with big eyes and big lips. she was dark skinned and she was short and chubby. and she was very attractive. and fun. i am missing her now.

she came off different from what she was. she seemed what they used to call fast. she wasnt. she and i used to joke about her wedding night. she said she would stay in the bathroom all night and i said i would come a drag her out.

she was a demanding friend. she was a giving friend. she left a husband and a son. she had a massive heart attack. she was only 48 or so. i know she was quite heavy. thats what she told me. i know that wears and tears on the heart. but 48 is young. i dont know much.

she lived and went to school in a predominantly jewish neighborhood. her mom was jewish. her dad was not. she told people her dad was italian. i recall, my mother, in her infinite wisdom, within earshot of shelley, saying that said didnt sound like an italian name. well, it wasnt. shelley once asked me what i thought of egyptians. i said i couldnt say cause i didnt know any egyptians. well, you guessed it. her father was egyptian. when she finally felt comfortable enough to tell me, it was fine.

her mother liked me. and i liked her. its funny about mothers. my mom wasnt crazy about her. my mom thought she was trouble. she wasnt.

shelley was born in december. i was born in march. i used to tease her and say when she was born, i was walking and talking, while all she could do was lay there.

RIP SHELLEY SAID.

TEN THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR

MY DAUGHTER
MY HUSBAND
MY JOB
MY INTELLIGENCE
MY STEPFATHER (EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T TALK)
A FAMILY WE ARE FRIENDLY WITH
MY WASHING MACHINE
MY APT BUILDING

sadly, i cant think of any more.

I'M ILL AGAIN.

i am feeling ill again.
i ate and (mostly) drank too much.
oh, im not talking about liquor.
i dont drink, as a rule.
oh, maybe at some celebration of a wedding, or bar mitvah.
and only if some irish cream is available. and only if its a free bar. (or whatever, its called when they dont charge for liquor at these things.)
so i had tremendous trouble breathing the last couple of days.
which, of course means, i cant eat or drink.
and god knows, i am not good at avoiding those things.
then again, if i contd to do so, i prob would have ended up in the hosptial.
i still may end up in the drs office. and the hospital is not totally out of the question, right now.
i mean, i gotta start eating soon, right.
then again, when suffering from this or a toothache, ive gone days, you heard me, days, without food and drink.
right now, i have gone twenty hours.
i actually dont feel hungry right now.
but thats par for this course. i believe, when i am ill like this, because my digestion, my colon, has slowed down so much, i have this build up of gas, which some how encourages an accumulation of mucus, which, as i get more and more ill, goes further up my body. when its at my throat, i cant breathe. and i have no hunger or appetite, which, having once weighed 257 lbs, you know are constants in my life.
the real surprising thing to me, is that i also dont feel thirsty. although, when i was suffering from thirst, some months ago, i had gone months of many sporadic days when i could not drink (or eat). i think cause i lately, the last four months, i have had lots of nourishment in me, so i am not so in need of any.
yesterday i got myself three inhalers. (i went the nebulizer route, but that didnt help.) the inhalers are working. i feel considerably better. but, not better enough to eat. hopefully, later today.

HELL MUST HAVE FROZEN OVER

my MIL, who hasnt written my name for several years now, sent a letter and included me in the greeting.
she has managed to avoid this every which way. by addressing the letter to the N-family. by only addressing it to my daughter. (she couldnt address it to my husband and daughter and not me. (altho shes done something like that in the past.) shes managed other ways that i cant recall right now, but here are exhibits A, B, C and D:

http://mymindandwelcometoit.blogspot.com/search?q=MIL. peruse, at your pleasure.
but im telling ya, they are shivering down below.

HOMELESS GIRL ON A TRAIN

an interesting thing happened earlier this week when i was on the subway. i was on my way home. i get on one of the first stops, so the train is relatively empty. there was this very young apparently homeless girl. my guess is she was in her early twenties. i dont believe ive ever seen a homeless girl so young. she would have been cute, if she werent missing several teeth. there was this big black full bag a bench away from her. i thought it must be hers, but i couldnt understand why it would be so far from her. i mean, this is all she has in the world, or so im assuming. someone went near the bag, looked up and asked whom the bag belonged to. she got up and got her bag. not anxious that someone would take it. just cause it was hers and it needed to be moved. so she brought it over to where she was sitting.

my heart went out to her. this is unusual. i do not often give money to the homeless. if i do, it is for a woman. i have to admit, i feel more for female homeless than males. and i do usually give money (a buck, just a buck) to the woman i see asking for it. but then again, i dont see too many woman asking for money.

and this woman wasnt asking for any money. but i wanted to offer her some. you are not going to believe it. i can hardly believe it myself. i wanted to offer her $5. i didnt know how i should approach her. since she wasnt asking for money, i thought that perhaps she would be offended that i offered, and get angry or worse. well, i decided to take a chance. she was seated across from me and a bit to the right. i got up and put my hand out, with the bill in it. she said no, as she smiled. or maybe she just shook her head no. i am not sure which. so i sat down. very disappointed. she kept smiling at me as if she was touched.

now i must ask a serious question: WHAT KIND OF HOMELESS PERSON TURNS DOWN MONEY? I started to wonder if she really was homeless. maybe this was some college psychological experiment. so i looked at her teeth to see if they were really missing. from where i sat, they were. i am trying to remember if i had my glasses on or not. lately, although i see very poorly without them, i often dont have them on.

i guess she was really homeless. i guess.

JETT TRAVOLTA

john travolta and i go way back. back to the seventies. back to welcome back kotter. i wasnt all that crazy about that show, really. i didnt like gabe kaplan. i didnt like john travolta. i only liked the actor who played the jewish character (well, other than kaplan.) i thought travoltas character was stupid. and he really was. (the character, i mean.) i didnt even find him attractive.

and then i saw saturday night fever. 3 1/2 times. i loved that movie. i loved john travolta in it. i loved the music. i loved when he danced alone on the dance floor. i thought he was wonderful. and over the years, i think i liked most of his movies. i cant remember them all right now, but i think i did. i thought he was a nice man too. he had such a sweet face. i dont mean handsome, altho i think he was. i mean sweet. i felt that betrayed a sweet personality.

and now he loses his son. its kind of silly. i dont know him. i will never know him. but it hurt me when he lost his son. i feel so bad for him. i feel like a friend lost his child. through movies, hes been in my life. and now hes lost his son. and he will have this pain always. i dont know what else to say.

ON BEING JEWISH

the following is a comment i made on racialicious. the link is above. my comment is waiting moderation, and this being christmas eve, i think it may be awhile before it is published. when and if it is posted there, it is the 28th comment.

i posted with a different name there. sometimes i get kinda paranoid about these things.

here are my comments:

Amy:

it was always my understanding that if the mother of the child is Jewish, then the child is Jewish, no questions asked.

And I believe even the most religious of Jews will agree to that.

I am sorry you’ve had a different experience and I am not sure why you did .

both my parents were Jewish. my sister had a different father from I, who was Italian. (although, we were both brought up Jewish) yet she is much more religious than I, although that’s probably because her husband is religious and mine is not.

I don’t know if she felt or feels less Jewish than I.
however, I do feel like a “real Jew” as you put it.

I think those who convert to Judaism, may not be considered as Jewish by some. my husbands fathers grandmother converted to Judaism, and I often point out to him, that hes 7/8 jewish. it was his mother who told me this, years ago, and when I first mentioned it to him, he said he hadn’t known that, which I found surprising.)
(I know thinking in these percentages may be ridiculous, but I don’t think I am
alone.) my daughter then I guess is 1/16th, but I don’t really give that much thought. That may be because its such a small percentage, but also because she’s mine. So I guess I may be kind of illogical about this. But frankly, I think much of religion is illogical. (but that’s another post.)

however, I think if it were a male who converted, I would think differently.

the thing about converting to Judaism later in life, is that you haven’t grown up feeling different. in this country, I believe, it is automatically assumed you are Christian, unless you say otherwise. So I often feel I must identify myself as Jewish. also do this to avoid hearing negative comments about Jews.

When I was in school, and first saw a swastika, even though I didn’t
know what it was, I was fearful of it. I think that somehow, in my experiences, I was exposed to the symbol in a negative way. Which is unlike the experience a person who converts to Judaism later in life would have.

usually, when someone asks you “what you are”, Jews will say Jewish, but most others
will identify their ethnicity, eg Italian or Irish.

Earlier today, one of my staff was going to the bank, so I joked to him, bring me some money back with you. And he said, oh, you don’t need money, you have a lot of it. This may be because I have a mid management position, or this may be
because I am Jewish. Often when money is mentioned to me, my antennae go up.
(frankly, I was offended by his comment, and told him so, tho i didn’t mention the possible religious aspect of it.) so, as a born jew, i have this mindset, that i dont think converted jews have.

I know I was all over the place here, and I apologize for any incoherency.

hi

hi

heavy, heavy sigh. i am not enjoying this daily posting as much as i thought i would. i did at the beginning. but now i just cant seem to find the time. i dont know how others do. i am not the most active person in the house, so its not like im a busy bee at home. i do work, but less than most. parttime-6 hours a day. each day i am pressed to do the post. plus, laptop needs a new ethernet connection, so i constantly have to check if the light is on. and i am so concerned that the laptop will go down again, that i feel i better get the posting done early.
so here i go.

i will continue the hospitalization again, although this is my fourth or fifth posting, and i have lots and lots to go. i am not posting enough each time.
and i am tired. ok, here we go again. i am too tired. im sorry.